White Tiger
(Schroders)
Band Members:
Carol Shand (Lead vocal)
Coy yet coquettish, shy but slippery, Carol is the unrivalled all-England chaffinch smuggling champion of many years continuous (1996-2007 parsecs, turn to the left and kick). Her detailed understanding of the engineering specifications of the Moscow metro system was acknowledged by former Soviet president Konstantin Chernenko who awarded her the red star, a blue beret, and a cerise wrap for services to cartography, whilst also crowning her Queen of Persia (a realm over which he held no jurisdiction). Socially reclusive, she spends her evenings constructing haikus from the ingredients of popular breakfast cereals (‘Super granola / Has energy calories / Four hundred and two’).
Charlie Jewkes (Guitar)
Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog: just a few of the physical characteristics which separate Charlie from the other mammals that share his kennel at the petting zoo (closed on Thursdays; bank holidays thruppence). Strident like a gazelle, a man of hidden depths (sixteen fathoms and counting), Charlie has one of the most impressive collections of Middle-English suffixes this side of Osterley. His favourite colour is husk and he communicates telepathically with elderberries. Crimped and coiled, he's often referred to as the go-to man that men who go to go-to men go to. Wowsa!
Nick Midgley (Keyboard, guitar and backing vocal)
Just as Mjolnir can shatter adamantium, Sir Nicholas d’Midgley, third Earl of Camberley, sixth in queue to the glorious throne of Gondor (via the Númenórean bloodline), has been known to split the hearts of the young asunder through demonstrations of his prowess upon the piano-forte. His dual secret identities of both minstrel and Minstrels taster have afforded him rare access into the seedy underworld of the subterranean mouse-baiting fraternity where he plays skittles for goldtops and once won a cuttlefish. Sleek, like an aubergine, in his spare time he teaches marmosets to juggle.
Ken Lambden (Drums)
Fuzzy of chest, ferocious of gaze, and forbidden to ever enter the boundaries of Walls Creek for the rest of eternity, playboy, scholar, amateur dentist and hurdy-gurdy enthusiast, this enigmatic former professional wrestler (ring-name: The Dehydrator) does do play the beaty things (ker-rump, ker-rump) in fashion most excellent. Famed in several continents, he invented the krugerrand and cures rickets with tenderness. A former fashion adviser to Admiral Ackbar of the Mon Calamari, he survives on a diet of starlings and pond weed and lives in a quarry. Beware haughty types; do not stand close as his beard is infectious.
Richard Scarr (Bass)
Ring-tailed custodian of the Socratic elenchus, mentor to Prodicus the rhetor, and one of the founding members of the ancient order of froth blowers (silver cuff-links, 145 Cheapside). Blind in safety and leafy in love, he has been an audience member at every single recording of 'Strictly Come Dancing' (one-two, sixty-four, east-by-nor-west-midlands) but has remained undetected by cameras due to his donning the pashmina of invisibility. Despite this, he has been known to berate the judging panel when he believes they are addressing him directly by uttering his middle name, 'Fleckerl', albeit through the medium of mime. He’s one. Alright!
Anne Other (Backing vocal)
Little awful Annie, newest recruit to the le Tigre Blanc, is so terrified of squatters that she refuses to use her real name in case they forcibly take possession of her hut whilst she is busy pigeon grooming. Dressed in clingfilm and sporting a fascinator constructed solely from the nasal hair of hippopotamuses, she often causes a stir by sitting in the archaeology section of her local public library and declaring 'fossilisation is fancy'. Despite only being seventeen inches in height, she is detectable from space due to the high levels of gamma radiation which omit from her ears.